Wanna know what it feels like to have lived with fucking chronic PAIN for almost 7 years now? On days when the pain is extreme (like today) I absolutely hate everything and everyone. (Except for the people I love.) I hate AND abhor the fact that people around me are walking and talking and going about their everyday business without FEELING THIS UNBEARABLE FUCKING PAIN that I’m feeling. I absolutely HATE everything because this is what this fucking pain DOES. It sucks all the love out of you and it sucks all the will to live out of you. It fills you to the absolute brim with hate and unspeakable anger. The drugs don’t work, drinking and smoking doesn’t help, combining opiates with alcohol doesn’t help, soaking in a hot tub doesn’t help, acupuncture makes the pain worse, cupping-massage-physio-chiro-meditation-yoga-therapy-brain control-fucking positive thinking NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING HELPS. You know what I want? I want lots and lots and lots of lovely morphine. Oh what a BEAUTIFUL thought! Morphine dripping into my veins! Morphine! Please, god! But no one will give me morphine and there is no relief. None! This is no way to treat a living breathing human being! Even animals who suffer unbearable pain are euthanised and put out of their misery, the poor devils. Why can’t the same thing be done to me? Why?? Why? Today I asked Adam to be so kind as to give me a lethal injection if he wanted me to be happy and pain-free. (Poor Adam. As if it weren’t difficult enough in itself to live with someone who is suffering from chronic pain.) But why should this be surprising? That this is what I want? I can’t fucking take this anymore! And don’t even START with the “be positive think positive” rubbish. I’ve been doing that for the past 6.5 years!!! This is where it’s got me! FUCK! Seriously! Just to think what I could have done in these past 6.5 years! The drawings I could have finished. The progress I could have made as an “artist”. The languages I could have learned. The books I could have read. Or written. The sweet little kids I could have helped in orphanages in various parts of the world. FUCK THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT. Wanna know my thoughts? I think it’d be better to be bound to a wheelchair than to live with chronic PAIN. I think it would be better to have no arms and legs but live with NO PAIN. I think it’d be better to have cancer and have my breasts chopped off – just as long as I didn’t have to live with CHRONIC FUCKING PAIN. You know what would be second best to morphine? Getting a bigass bomb and attaching it to my body and blowing myself to fucking pieces. (Strictly without hurting any other living thing, of course! I would never want to hurt anybody else, no matter how unbearably terrible I felt – never ever ever.) Hallelujah! The second best way to exit this world. Just a sweet explosion… and being blown to fucking smithereens. Quickly reduced to nothing. Into nothingness, where there is no pain, no pain.
This is what it feels like.